Friday, 16 June 2017

Today I Cried...



Today I cried.  To be absolutely clear, I sobbed.  I broke down, alone, isolated with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I screamed out, “why will I never be good enough?”.  And I covered my face with a pillow as I just let everything I had out.  It lasted perhaps 2 minutes.  My dog rushed over the second my face was visible and he snuggled.  He let me just cuddle and hold him for a few desperately needed moments.  And I got up.  I brewed some tea and I just existed for a moment.  Then I sighed and recognized that my life is moving in a direction that I can control.  And I have a partner, and I am not alone.  But today, on the couch I felt like I was.  I lost it. 

My last few posts have had a clear direction, a voice, and a reason for being written.  My confident personality has shone through and I have grown the K-Ghislaine brand into something I am incredibly proud of.  I started this blog to help me come to terms with Open Relationships and to start questioning the societal norms of relationships that are around me.  But this morning, I had troubles overcoming my shortcomings and focusing on the task at hand.  Today I failed me, in a way that actually scared me.  I wondered if I was making the correct choices, and if the business I am working on will succeed.  I questioned if I should keep writing, and I questioned if I had the right people in my life, on my team and just generally with me.  It was the briefest moment of rock bottom, but my lungs hurt from the sob and I felt so drained as a result, and of questioning that resolve that has kept me moving forward after the most recent of my life challenges this past December.

As I closed the door on the last toxic member of my family last year (or rather had the door slammed in my face) I found a relief or release as it were.  I now count the blessings of that event.  I am grateful that he cut me out, so I could be free from the toxic lifestyle that was consuming me and poisoning the rest of my life.  Aside from this morning of course, I do control my actions.  I don’t blame who I am on my parents or the hardships that are a part of my past.  The doors are closed, and I have found peace of mind to excel in my life without any of their shortcomings impacting me.

I find myself in a period of transition again.  Embarking on a journey that has high risks for my relationship and my financial security.  But it is in these risks that I am finding my stride.  I am discovering things about myself that were laying dormant.  With each word I type, I feel better.  Stronger and more focused to take on today’s task at hand.  I blog because I love it.  I absolutely adore the clarity I get from it, and the relief that it brings when I press publish.  I am an artist and writing is my preferred medium.  I forgive myself for losing control this morning.  My body needed the release and my soul needed to write.  With these two tasks completed it is time to conquer my next challenge and quiet that little voice that sometimes bubbles over, the voice that wonders why it cannot be just a little easier. 

To lose control is not something I am proud of.  But to err is human.  And the most important thing for me, is to recognize why I lost control and learn from it.  To listen to myself, and my inner voice when it calls out.  There is a strength to be found in weakness, and today I got caught ignoring my needs.  

Thursday, 8 June 2017

A Label by Any Other Name is Still… A Way of Creating a Box! Online Dating Sites, I’m Looking at You!



Yesterday, I saw that OK Cupid has announced that they have a new way of labeling your sexual orientation, may I present the newest term: Sapiosexual.  Now while some people may applaud this as a progressive move, I am getting so frustrated by all these terms and labels.  Dating is not black and white, and people are not boxes that can be neatly categorized.  I have written quite a few posts on misuse of labels, and my frustration at people just jumping to conclusions when they hear a term they don’t quite understand .  And I maintain that by creating more labels we are moving further away from honest communication.  We are simply slapping a term the excludes more people from our internet wish list.

The evolution of our species has relied quite heavily on our brains ability to quickly categorize anything that will cause us harm thus creating the fight or flight response.  This survival mechanism is part of our reptilian brain and is most likely why I still run up the stairs when the lights go out.  The dark hides predators and my instinct to get to the light as fast as possible kicks in.  But the online dating community is whole different ball game, far removed from the necessity to survive and quickly categorize our life.  In fact, in might be the furthest thing away, being that it is completely anonymous and therefore you can make the experience relatively safe, especially for all of those without a profile picture and the overused “ask me” in your personality description.

With that potential debate on hold for a moment, let us get back to the vast increase of labels.  Do labels actually help you quantify your search when looking for new people online?  Can you describe how having the word Sapiosexual for example beneficial?  Could you not just read the prospective mate/partner/cutie pie’s profile and deduce if they match you intellectually?  You know, by reading, and writing and those basic skills that you claim are incredibly important?  Maybe I am wrong and this label will bring together hundreds of people that really need that little button to specifically filter out all those who find looks more important than brains and leave you with a much simpler to navigate pool.  But doesn’t that take some of the fun of meeting new people out of the equation?  Isn’t that taking what tiny remnants of human interaction we find on these sites away?

I will admit that I used to use a tonne of labels to describe myself in my early 20’s.  The words straight, atheist, conservative, female, monogamous were quite important to whole who I was question, and who I wanted to be.  Now that I am in my nearly mid 30’s I realize that other than female, and perhaps atheist, none of these labels quite fit anymore with the encompassing power that they used to.  Instead I have found much more joy in the fluidity of my life and the rejection of the labels that defined me.  It has brought more happiness and satisfaction into my life.  Ironically with the breaking free of those definitions my confidence has actually increased.  I don’t need labels to be who I am.  And I can look around at the people in my life who are in or recently been through a large life transition and am amazed that they don’t quite fit into the categories I would have used to describe them anymore either.  They are just them, for all the good and the bad, and we exist very happily together. 

Because of the first hand happiness I have found by breaking free of the labels that confined me, I want to be an ambassador for other to break free as well.  It works, it’s amazing and my sex life has never been better as a result.  Isn’t that what it’s really all about anyways?  But in all seriousness, if I do not expect my friends to fit into a certain box, our lives become richer and more authentic.  And when I do not label myself, I am free to have fluid thoughts and opinions, and most important, an open mind for new education and people that I may have previously dismissed.  So to the dating sites thinking they are being progressive and modern by increasing their labels I say No!  Break free.  Let people write a description, or a brief what they are looking for, and allow more fluid interaction and less exclusionary labels.  Stop helping us put ourselves in more boxes!

Thursday, 1 June 2017

Update: Talking Publicly About Your Sex Life

Last week I wrote a little lament post with regards to publicly celebrating something that I love, and that is sex.  After writing that post a few incredibly amazing things happened.  The first, being a text from one of my lovelies to share a bit about her sex life and her asking about mine.  It was the middle of the afternoon, out of the blue and just fabulous.  It was a frank and quick update on our sex lives, and little reassurance if you will, that we all have sex and it is OK to text or talk about.  It is a subject that should be shame free, and I do believe that talking about it helps the sex positive movement.  And I believe a sex tolerant and accepting people are better, less stressed people on the whole.

The second were a few fabulous comments that I hope you all check out.  They were two very different takes on my post, and I just love the variation of my readers.  Truly amazing and I am proud that each and every one of you stop by for a few minutes to check out my stories.  Even the guy who did not realize that there was a blog with words behind the pictures!

Now the third exciting event that I know you have all been waiting for, is the outright sexy pictures and conversations that we were able to share with a fabulous couple that met a few weeks ago.  So rather than just bragging to the masses or sharing sexy pictures with strangers, the ante has been upped.  We are sharing intimate photos with a couple that shares back.  Our sex life has absolutely sky rocketed and the excitement of planning the next sexy tease, or meeting is beyond what thought was possible.

We have had struggled to find this level of chemistry or success with another couple, as four people is very complex.  But this has just been easy, confidence boosting, hot, and steamy.  So maybe, just maybe this is the answer I was looking for.  Finding those like minded people who share your passion for sex and creating your own community.  Not lamenting that there are many people who would rather not know the inner workings of a couple or are too afraid to admit they are even a little bit curious.  And just saying to hell with it, find your own friends who share your views or values, and go play with them.

So although I do wish that I could be free to update my sex milestones as those do with their cuisine or work outs I will take what I can get!  I will wholeheartedly enjoy the moments that I find myself in.  And the positive reactions that I get from writing and sharing my adventures, and ignoring all the outside chatter.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Talking Publicly About Your Sex Life


Last week I wrote a post about expressing my fantasies, and how it is an area of my life that I would like to improve upon.  I have difficulty expressing my fantasies, but I have absolutely no trouble with talking about my amazing sex life.  I could go on and on about the incredible foursome that I experienced very recently, but there is a problem, who can I tell? 

When it comes to social media there are certain societal norms that we tend to follow.  One of the main ones, is that you do not brag about your sex life on facebook, or other such social forums where your family or friends reside.  You cannot post that incredibly hot picture that you took in the mirror while doggy style, or share the picture taken in the hot tub just before the clothes started to fall off.  Exhibitionism is taboo for social media.  And if you do decide to Instagram, Snapchat or Tweet those pictures you may get some very nasty name calling and labels from those you know.  Sure, people say they want to see the images from time to time, but the general population just does not want to see a person they know in the throes of passion.  The consensus seems to be that those images are not necessarily bad, but any sort of in your face boasting is scandalous.

All of this is fine, and I am not trying to change this particular social climate, but there are days that I just want to brag to someone about how sexy I feel, or how amazing my most recent orgasm was.  And guess what?  Not even my best friends want to get that text.  If I try out of the blue to talk about that incredible connection at the swing club I get crickets from my nearest and dearest.  And I know I would get blocked or unfriended on facebook for sharing that the best start to the morning is a quickie before work, and I am speaking from direct experience ;).

Now interestingly enough, if I posted that same status on an anonymous forum like twitter, I would get likes and retweets for days.  A stranger can appreciate the sexiness, but friends and family cannot.  Why does this happen?  I suppose one parallel could be when we unfollow people who constantly update about their fitness journey, or Instagram every meal they eat.  We are just not geared to be supportive of peoples braggadocio behavior.  We cringe at anything in excess.  So therefor no one wants to see constant updates about orgasm after orgasm.  There is a very thick line in the sand in regards to sex and daily interaction with your peers.  It is not something to publicly discuss with your friends, period.

There is a nearly 80 study at Harvard that directly links overall happiness to your sense of community, and the line that is key to my point is this, “Researchers also found that those with strong social support experienced less mental deterioration as they aged.”  So here is the crux of my post, if sexual relationships are important to you, but you cannot talk about them with any of your peers, are we actually doing a disservice to our long term mental health and fitness?  Yes I am aware that I have used the term bragging and not just status updates, but aren’t those the most memorable points in our lives that go on social media?  We celebrate engagement, educational triumphs, births, and parties.  But we do not talk about sex publicly.  We do not celebrate threesomes, or orgasms or loss of virginity.  Speaking of, does anyone else remember that Clone High Episode where a congrats card is sent when one of the guys loses his virginity on prom night?  Funny in a cartoon, but oh the horror and social outrage in real life.

I believe that my sex life is key to my overall happiness.  While studies show that a strong sense of community is the most important factor in a person's overall happiness level.  And yet we live in social constraints where these two aspects of life must stay far, far away from each other.  Is this reasonable?  Is this necessary?  Would talking publicly about sexual health, appetite, kinks or preferences make you a happier person?  Do you seek information about sex on the internet or find support groups and counseling to facilitate a safe place to discuss socially taboo topics?  Does sex have to remain in the world of the internet or books or simply within your partnership?

We are human, and curious about sex, sometimes even about the sex lives of our friends.  But we are not willing to admit that to each other.  And yes we all are, every single one of us at one time or another.   And don't try to tell me that when you hear on the news a report on the latest sexual study that you are above comparing yourself to it; for example a certain study about average sexual encounters per week for married couples.  Hell, reading this blog is a perfect example of human curiosity.  But I highly doubt any of you discuss the contents openly with one another.

We have restrictions on what good behavior or socially tolerated subjects are.  And although it is unlikely to change in future, I personally think it is important to give thought to why that is.  And perhaps ask yourself if your sex life or overall well being would be positively or even negatively affected by being able to openly talk about sex?  Just some food for thought, some societal foreplay if you will...