Tuesday, 20 February 2018

You Let Your Partner Sleep with Other People???



I would be very well off if I had a loonie every time I’ve heard this question over the years.  And while most repetitive questions seem to lessen in impact the more times I get asked, this particular one still makes me bristle.  And occasionally just go off into a blind rage.  What really gets me, is the whole permissions aspect.  Do I need to seek approval for my body and sex life with other people?  Is he my master?  Keeper of the keys? 

When I calm down, I can recognize that the base line of almost any relationship is a series of negotiations and promises to behave a certain way.  And in non-monogamy as many of my readers are already aware, we go past what society has raised us to believe and actually have verbal conversations about all the behaviours we are Ok with.  And we re-negotiate, sometimes with a lot of frequency.  It’s a skillset that makes being in the lifestyle much calmer, and ethical.

But back to the rage part.  When I hear that question, it is almost always comes off judgemental.  And possessive and all these emotions that I hated in myself when monogamous.  It brings up feelings that I am so grateful to have worked past.  Yes, it is my problem in how I react.  But at the same time, what is the asker really expecting as an answer?  No, he doesn’t let me, I just do it.  Or nope, it’s called cheating for a reason…duh!  Or how about, it’s my body and he’s not the boss of me! 

And the answer is not, yes either.  It’s not that simple.  We agree to a lifestyle that works for us in our current relationship dynamic.  He doesn’t let me, and I don’t let him.  We mutually agree to be non-monogamous and have explored a wide range of norms stemming from seeing other people, to swinging, to seeing couples together.  We are evolving and exploring.  And we do it together! 

I know that when the question is asked it is done so with incredulity.  Or shock and surprise.  Sometimes there is a very funny brain exploding look in their eyes.  And yes, I get that.  But come on, as a society we have got to start improving how we communicate.  Don’t just ask a loaded question like that.  Ask questions in a way that lends to the sort of answer you want, or is closer to the information you are wanting to receive.  Because honestly, I am getting tired of my blood pressure spiking because you don’t know how to ask an intelligent question.  The truth is, if you get me going, in thoughtful discourse, I can be enlightening, informative and will quite willingly engage you in a wide range of queries.  But when you start off accusatory, I shut down and assume you cannot handle even hearing about my life.  And that is your loss, because I have some pretty fantastic stories.

So, in summary.  I get why you ask.  But please, try to wipe that deer in the headlights look off your face before you open your mouth.  Quit judging and criticizing a frame of living that most definitely does not affect you in the slightest.  Work on your communication and conversation skills, because that my friend will go a long way for everyone!  And don’t be surprised if I ask you something way out of line back, because you deserve every ounce of inappropriate I can dish out!

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Friday, 16 February 2018

I Just Wanted to Get Lost in the History of the Victorian Age…[Book Review]




So, I decided to read the book “Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady’s Guide to Sex, Marriage and Manners” by Therese Oneill, thinking this would be a welcome change of pace.  And to its credit it is an incredibly well researched and hilarious look at women in the Victorian era.  And you would not be disappointed to pick yourself up a copy of your very own, which I so happen to have a quick link at the bottom of this post to make that decision a little easier. 

Anyways, I spent the first ¾’s of the book delightedly powering though it.  Honestly, one of those cannot put down books, delving into all the questions you never thought to ask yourself about what a woman’s life really was like back then!  And then a big nerve was struck.  The nerve of the moment… consent.  What I found most striking is that our grasp of consent has not differed much since the Victorian Age. 

“If they persist, she should tell them in a brief and firm, though polite tone, that she desires to be left to herself.  If a man follow[s] her in silence, she should pretend not to perceive him, and at the same time, hasten a little in her step”.

The above quotation is the standard education that women were receiving if they ventured out of the house and a male approached them.  Be polite, brief, but firm.  And if that doesn’t work, walk a little quicker!  And the thing is, during that day and age, if the man didn’t take the hint, you were basically screwed, quite literally!

I mean, on the one hand, at least women were taught to say no or at least how to if the need arose.  On the other hand, this obviously was not an effective strategy and relied heavily on the breeding of the male on the receiving end.  And yet many women still employ the exact same tactic today.  In fact, I myself was taught this very thing!  I was not educated in the world of no means no.  There was instead a significant amount of emphasis placed on how I was perceived by my friends and peers, rather than what I wanted.  I recall quite clearly the few times I displayed any characteristics that were aggressive or unbecoming of a lady because I would be met with a swift slap across my face.  And that hurts!  So, I would resist toeing the line of an unbecoming nature.  I remained calm, pleasant, and never publicly assertive.

And you know what else has not died with the Victorian Era?  The idea that if women dressed provocatively that is was their own damn fault.  Especially if they were mistaken for an easy target or tricked into the white slave trade also known as prostitution.  That’s right, even though today we know we are all human beings under the law, there are still men and some women, who will state that if you look like a harlot you kinda deserve what you get.  In the Victorian era you could not show legs, or even ankles because you were basically asking to get raped.  And while the modern woman is free to wear what she dares, if push came to shove, you may well be accused of asking for it.  Because again, woman are taught such things as modesty and how to attract a spouse, but no mention is made on how men are to respond or reciprocate in kind.  Boys will be boys after all!

Let’s see here, we still practice polite often subtle “no’s” and we still get judged for how we dress.  Perfect!  And here I thought that we were evolving and had bridged a huge gap towards equality! 

Aside from the few points that made me feel like I was still an uneducated prisoner of the Victorian era this was a remarkably funny and amazing book which I highly recommend.  So, grab a copy and please share your thoughts with me on it in the comments section when you’re done!  

Monday, 12 February 2018

Oh! I’m Sorry, Was the Live Sex Boring You?



This is not a post that I ever thought I would write, in fact, people may not even believe that this could actually happen inside the sexy walls of a sex club.  But the story I am about to relate speaks to a rapidly growing dissociation that is going unchecked in our society. We have become immune to the realities around us, in essence our technology is desensitizing us.  And I will be honest, seeing that first hand at a sex party of all places, brings into sharp relief just how widespread this problem is.  And we have got to act now!  Because it turns out even with rules and warnings in place, we cannot break free from our phones even with sex on the line.

Saturday night I went to a swinger’s club where there is a fantastic area that has an open door play room, that we shall call the red room.  Meaning people can walk in and out, and there is almost always live action of some sort going on.  And that night, was no exception.  We found a spot on the farthest couch so we could start watching the show, and get playful ourselves.  With a little whipping scene, to get the ball rolling the clothes started to fall off and the room was getting heated.  Picture about 6 or 7 couples all on the peripheral couches and two sex loungers beginning to get a little action in the middle, plus spectators and the dominatrix show, just to set the stage.

My partner and I were starting to get very handsy beside a couple you may remember from my Foursome in the woods post.  So, our night was ramping up fantastically.  And on one of the sex couches, a guy was getting the royal treatment.  Oh yes, 5 girls, one guy!  The thing of myths right before our eyes.  The room was exciting.  Well, for everyone but the group of 5 guys who must have been the partners of the women giving the show.  You see, those 5 guys, were standing right to my left, inside the room, shooting the shit.  The conversation was something similar to what you might hear at a pub.  Some goading, a little teasing and basically a general lack of interest to anything going on in the room.  Did I mention there was a wait list to get in? 

I mean come on!  When sex becomes so common place that you don’t even care, find a new hobby.  Not only is this incredibly insane, but you are taking away from the experience of those around you who are trying to lose themselves in the moment.  But of course, your selfish needs take priority right?  You don’t get to see your friends much, so by all means, just stand around in a very active dungeon, taking real estate that people are sexily eyeing up, to just stand around, chatting.  And we are not talking a few brief moments.  We are talking upwards of 20 minutes of trying not to listen to frat boy types talk about their lives and even a little shoving of each other in the most juvenile manor imaginable.  “Well, my chicks busy, so I’m just going to stand around acting like a dumb punk, waiting till she’s done”.

This in of itself was annoying, however things were about to get a little ridiculous.  My partner and I were really getting heated, having just acquired one of the coveted sex loungers.  So naked, and excited we started getting really down and dirty.  The man of the hour beside us, was now down to two chicks so the group of irritating men had thinned down.  Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a guy who was wearing far too many clothes, and a silly hipster hat, had plunked down with his partner on the couch we had previously occupied.  And I didn’t think too much of it, until it happened.  The guy pulled out his phone and started texting someone!  Not some hot looking sort of sext, but the whole, I’m bored so I’m going to pull out my phone mindlessly sort of move. 

And to make matters worse, he seemed generally surprised when I asked him to put his phone away!  Picture the scene.  Me laying on my back, getting pounded, so blissfully happy.  Then bam!  Brought out of the happy red glow by some damn cell phone screen!  And after I asked him to put it away, he just sat there, motionless.  Like he didn’t know what to do next.  You’re in a freaking swing club!  Have some hot sex!!!  Have we really become that dependent And further to this, a few minutes later his partner asked for her phone!  Thankfully he told her no, it wasn’t allowed in the club.  But do you know what her reaction was?  Grabbed the phone out of his hand and stormed out of the room. 
on phones that you cannot have one evening without it dictating your life?

Ok, you might be saying right now, damn it!  I would never in a million years do something like that.  What is wrong with these people?  Who could be distracted by their phone with all that sexy stimulation going on?  Or forget that they were in a swing club, and start treating it like a pub?  If you’ve been a regular reader you might even say, that I have some really bad luck and this must have been just a bad night.  But the thing is, I watch everything going on around me and at the clubs, I just want to quiet that voice.  I want to get lost in the moment.  But how do you ignore, 7 ignorant and flat out rude individuals who selfishly cannot pause their habits for even one night.  A few hours?  To put this into perspective, 7 individuals out of 150 were in this room, acting like they were bored of being in a sex club.  That’s almost 5 percent.  That’s freaking huge!  Can we not unplug from this silly device even in a swing club?  You paid to be there, as did we.  That doesn’t give you the right to detract from mine or anyone else’s enjoyment which is exactly what these people were doing.  Now show some common courtesy for those around you who are actually enjoying themselves or get out!  And please, if you see something like this happen, even in the real world, stand up and say something.  We cannot keep ignoring ignorant and selfish behaviour because quite frankly it is getting out of hand!

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