Thursday, 23 November 2017

Is Non-Monogamy Something You Have Always Wanted to Try?



I receive messages weekly from guys saying that swinging or non-monogamy is something that they have always wanted to try and do I have tips for them to find women who are into it.  Depending how they ask, I may refer them to my reading list, or my ode to the single guys at a swing club post.  But ultimately, I know no matter whether I offer advice or scold them the result will be the same, testing the waters of non-monogamy just to knock it off your bucket list, is a bad idea.  Non monogamy is not a treat, or something to just experience when you’re young.  It is not a way of sowing your wild oats, until you find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with it.  It is not a right of passage, or a notch on your belt.  If you, like thousands out there feel this way, please, for my sanity, educate yourself and grow some emotional maturity.  Or just look on from the sidelines. 

Ethical non-monogamy in all is wondrous forms takes work.  It takes self awareness, the ability to multi task and a higher than average ability to socialize and communicate.  There is constant awareness of societal norms, feeling like an outsider and having to keep your mouth shut about that crazy foursome you had on Saturday.  This can be tricky and isolating and a whole bunch of other crazy emotions.  You know being turned on by your partner being sexed up, while being completely turned on because you are being sexed up and then remembering that there are a bunch of people watching the show.  It’s a crazy high, and not for the feint of heart.

It is not, and I cannot stress this enough, random, and or constant sex 24 hours a day.  Why? Because finding people who are sexually compatible, meet your level of hygiene, kinks, likes, passion and are non monogamous or single is exhausting and hard work.  And I will stress another point, we are all human beings with thoughts and feelings.  Even the most flippant of swingers who just want to jump in the sack with a willing couple, are still rational human beings who took the steps necessary to get to that point in their relationship.  So while the scene I described in the paragraph above may excite you and creep into your wildest dreams, it is not for newbies.  It is not for people who want to just dip a toe in to see what it feels like.  Because that thing I mentioned about human beings, yeah, we have thoughts and feelings.  We don’t want to feel used for your sexual conquests (unless its agreed upon ahead of time).  Nor do we want to witness your complete mental breakdown when you discover you have no idea what you’re doing, or have so much jealousy about your partner being touched that you want to play smashie smashie with someone’s face.

So while I love seeing new people in the lifestyle, what I love even more are the educated people who enter into the premises with foresight, understanding and an empathy for their fellow man.  To those who do what we did, and research the shit out of what we were getting into.  Starting off slow, and ensuring both partners are good each step along the way.  And not playing until you are ready, truly ready for the good, bad and hopefully never the ugly… cry.  There should be no tears in non-monogamy, unless they are fueled by unbridled ecstasy and euphoria.

And as for the tips to finding women who are non-monogamous?  All I can say, is that the finding is a huge part of the adventure, and a skill that once you develop, it’s very hard to go back.  And because it needs to be said, it takes a high emotional maturity and IQ to experience non monogamy well.  So take the time to figure out what you want, before you go out and just find someone whose willing to go along with it.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

A Casual Swing Club Encounter: My Internal Plight



Sigh, that coveted casual swing club encounter.  That hot steamy night that you fantasize would just spontaneously occur.  You stack the deck in your favour of course.  Slow hot bath, sipping wine as you scrub yourself squeaky clean and do all the necessary personal grooming.  Then you dress to the nines with your partner, or in our case, pick the most elaborate costume you can.  You arrive at a packed swing club with that pre-screened and amazing looking guest list, tonight is going to be hot.  You pour yourselves a drink and begin the mingling and flirting dance.  And then you find a couple.  The small talk begins and you find some common ground.  Let’s go somewhere quieter they say.  You laugh, stroke your partners thigh and discover that it is smiles all around.  This night is going perfectly.  That fantasy is looking very promising. 

And then, you remember, your rules, and you are snapped back into reality.  No full swapping the first time you meet.  Why?  Quite simply it’s a little matter of safety and sexual compatibility.  As hot as that anonymous first time swap would be, for you it will remain nothing more than a fantasy.  When it comes to sexual health and safety we never compromise. 

At a club, in the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to have a clear and completely honest conversation about disclosure.  I don’t subscribe to the idea that everyone lies, however, in a sexually charged environment, there can be a tendency by some parties to say whatever they can to sway the cards in their sexual favor.  And even if every one is telling the truth, it is an often loud environment.  It is easy to not be heard, or clearly understand what someone has said.  So, we err on the side of caution.  Touching, soft swap, all good things.  But no kissing or fluid exchange with strangers, period.

For my personal comfort and sanity, I cannot stand waking up the next morning wondering if the person we kissed was clean (I use the term loosely and for simplicity, no judgement intended).  It turns a really hot memory into one of suspicion and uncertainty.  I prefer guilt free fantasies.  Especially with my writers over active imagination.  In fact, I had situation just a few months ago, where we were soft swapping with a bunch of people, touching and getting a little intense when all of a sudden a woman stuck her tongue down my throat.  No permission was obtained and while I wanted to get lost in the sexiness of the situation, as there were hands everywhere, the reality was not hot.  It felt instead, obtrusive, invasive and all manor of inappropriate and all that separated her behaviour from everyone else’s, was the fluid exchange.  I was angry that I didn’t even have the chance to say no, or have the safe sex talk.  And as a result of how I felt the next morning and a very short conversation with my partner, we made a rule that from here on in, we tell people that we do not swap the first time we meet. 

The other aspect I mentioned is sexual compatibility.  I don’t know about you, but history tells me that first time sex with a person is average to bad.  Every sexual encounter is unique, the sights, sounds and smells of a person.  So having no clue what to expect personality wise or sexually can be a bit of a hurdle.  I even heard of a few swingers who stopped going to clubs in general because the anonymous sex was actually getting boring.  It was constantly mediocre or bad and the thrill of newness was starting to wane.  Sex really ramps up, when you get to know a person.  When you can read their body language and get into the situation without having to stop every 30 seconds to ask permission (a slight exaggeration there, but you get the idea). I for one, want a much more sustainable sex life.  I enjoy good to great sex.  I love the butterflies and after glow, and I get that from a specific memory or touch from a person I care a bit about.  Strangers just don’t have any staying power in my mental spank bank.  I don’t want objects, I yearn for flesh and blood, emotional beings.

And for us the advantages of playing this way far outweigh the lost fantasy.  Especially for us, as we love a little chase and the excitement of getting to know someone.  Building that sexually charged suspense.  We don’t always get the payoff for postponing a swap, but man, when we do!  That keeps us going for weeks!  So the trade-off of an amazing novelty encounter, versus more of the getting to know a couple sex is definitely up our alley. 

Now you can call me a tease or a dirty vanilla or a no touchie if it makes you feel better, but the truth of the matter is I would love to play the first time.  I just don’t want to waste my time hoping the sex will be good or to put myself in a situation where I do not feel safe. I’m in this for the long haul, not to just try out a few new people for curiosities sake.  Maybe I’m not a true swinger in that I don’t actually engage in anonymous sex with strangers.  I have written about already feeling like an outlier.  I know there is an argument for your valuable time.  You have the night off, a babysitter booked and you are looking for some strange.  And I respect your fantasy, just as I hope you respect my reasoning for not doing a full swap when we meet.  We try to disclose this information sooner rather than later, however we have screwed up few times and left it until we were already in the same room taking off our clothes.  For that, I humbly ask your forgiveness and I hope that you will want to get some strange with us in the future, only, not when it's 100 percent strange.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Reflection 16 Years in the Making



Do you remember your first genuine relationship?  Of course you do, that first love stays with you, long after you’ve grown apart or in some rare cases grown together.  Today I was shocked to realize that it would have been 16 years had I stayed in my monogamous relationship/marriage.  I’ve mentioned a few times throughout my blog, that I do believe I would have fallen into non-monogamy eventually.  The fantasies were beginning, and there were sex acts that I just didn’t want to take part in, so I figured a unicorn would be perfect.  And as I have admitted, I was coming closer and closer to cheating all the time.  My then boyfriend and I would have taken the non-monogamous route to keep us together for the sake of the un-realized children.  It's painful to accept, yet, I realize the truth in those words, having gained such a deep knowledge of myself and my needs.  And I absolutely know that I am not alone in this thinking.  So many have turned to an open relationships to save themselves and their partners.  Or to level the playing field after an indiscretion.  All judgement aside, this is the simple truth to why many have found themselves in the non-monogamous uncertain waters.

In my case, I consider myself lucky in that I ended things when I did.  When I walked away from monogamy and started serial dating I had yet to have heard the term non-monogamy.  So as I have mentioned when I did meet my current partner I had my eyes opened.  I can now say how fortunate I am to have found him and to have ended up where we are.  But as with any relationship we did not start out well.  I think our relationship can be broken down into two distinct parts.  The first, where I was so overwhelmed with being in an open relationship that we were living in an extremely unethical fashion.  Dates were hidden, and extra curricular activities were discovered, rather than discussed.  We began open, but did so, with a rocky and unstable foundation. 

So we broke up.  I kept writing and he kept living the exact way he wanted to.  And then, a really surprising thing happened, we started building a new foundation, free of all pressure, just two singles coming together every now and again.  We weren’t intending to get back together, instead we used each others strengths, weaknesses and experiences to start forging ahead with a relationship style that would meaningful for each of us.  By the time we knew what was happening we were living together, and running on parallel paths.  There was a strange symmetry to our work and home lives and the word boyfriend and girlfriend was replaced by that of the title, partner.

Our love story was truly beginning.  And this is when we started looking together for our first couple.  We had been to a swing club, and had mixed feelings about it.  But the take away was the same, our foundation was ready to start building upon.  To start creating experiences together.  It was around this time that I started using the word ethical non-monogamy in my blogging.  I finally understood what it meant, and more than that, was living it. 

I look back on these two distinct failed relationships, knowing that I am a direct result of them.  They were both interlaced with non-monogamy, but it wasn't until I brought the word ethical in that my shift from an uncertain bystander turned to owning my relationship norm.  I cannot help but wonder if there is a parallel universe out there, where I sit here typing in secret about cheating and the mistakes I had made in monogamy.  That perhaps, I would still be a voice, but for those of the pained, rather than those of my current community.  It’s a strange feeling, looking across time like this.  But I feel a calmness in doing so.  It’s a peaceful realization that I am right where I need to be, and perhaps I need to watch a little less sci -fi (Ok, that would and could never happen!).  The path to non-monogamy was never straight and narrow, but I hope, in some small way, my reflection can offer some comfort to someone currently struggling.  After all, the journey is where the real memories are made.