I receive messages weekly from guys saying that swinging or non-monogamy is something that they have always wanted to try and do I have tips for them to find women who are into it. Depending how they ask, I may refer them to my reading list, or my ode to the single guys at a swing club post. But ultimately, I know no matter whether I offer advice or scold them the result will be the same, testing the waters of non-monogamy just to knock it off your bucket list, is a bad idea. Non monogamy is not a treat, or something to just experience when you’re young. It is not a way of sowing your wild oats, until you find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with it. It is not a right of passage, or a notch on your belt. If you, like thousands out there feel this way, please, for my sanity, educate yourself and grow some emotional maturity. Or just look on from the sidelines.
Ethical non-monogamy in all is wondrous forms takes work. It takes self awareness, the ability to multi task and a higher than average ability to socialize and communicate. There is constant awareness of societal norms, feeling like an outsider and having to keep your mouth shut about that crazy foursome you had on Saturday. This can be tricky and isolating and a whole bunch of other crazy emotions. You know being turned on by your partner being sexed up, while being completely turned on because you are being sexed up and then remembering that there are a bunch of people watching the show. It’s a crazy high, and not for the feint of heart.
It is not, and I cannot stress this enough, random, and or constant sex 24 hours a day. Why? Because finding people who are sexually compatible, meet your level of hygiene, kinks, likes, passion and are non monogamous or single is exhausting and hard work. And I will stress another point, we are all human beings with thoughts and feelings. Even the most flippant of swingers who just want to jump in the sack with a willing couple, are still rational human beings who took the steps necessary to get to that point in their relationship. So while the scene I described in the paragraph above may excite you and creep into your wildest dreams, it is not for newbies. It is not for people who want to just dip a toe in to see what it feels like. Because that thing I mentioned about human beings, yeah, we have thoughts and feelings. We don’t want to feel used for your sexual conquests (unless its agreed upon ahead of time). Nor do we want to witness your complete mental breakdown when you discover you have no idea what you’re doing, or have so much jealousy about your partner being touched that you want to play smashie smashie with someone’s face.
So while I love seeing new people in the lifestyle, what I love even more are the educated people who enter into the premises with foresight, understanding and an empathy for their fellow man. To those who do what we did, and research the shit out of what we were getting into. Starting off slow, and ensuring both partners are good each step along the way. And not playing until you are ready, truly ready for the good, bad and hopefully never the ugly… cry. There should be no tears in non-monogamy, unless they are fueled by unbridled ecstasy and euphoria.
And as for the tips to finding women who are non-monogamous? All I can say, is that the finding is a huge part of the adventure, and a skill that once you develop, it’s very hard to go back. And because it needs to be said, it takes a high emotional maturity and IQ to experience non monogamy well. So take the time to figure out what you want, before you go out and just find someone whose willing to go along with it.