Fantasies and Long Distance

Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship.   I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post.  But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well.  The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations.  And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do.  I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on.  Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy. 

Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on.  I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfilment with only a visual and the written word.  I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature.  I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory.  To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses.  But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work.  Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.

In a way I was right.  I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm.  It was very challenging at first.  And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before.  And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored.  I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before.  But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not.  They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex.  When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.

Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift.  One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring.  I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.  

We Cannot Go Back

I have been in situations recently both orchestrated and unintentional that have resulted in the reuniting of exes.  My group of family friends seems littered with exes and new ones sadly seem to appear too frequently.  I like to imagine that with all my knowledge of divorce and breakups, that I can go from group to group seamlessly, or at the very least positive and emotion free.  This is one of those circumstances that I force in myself in hopes that one day it will be true.  The truth is, I sometimes wish people could go back in time, find that moment of pure happiness and just start over with each other.  It is a fantasy wish that I think any child of divorce understands on some, and unfortunately intangible level.

As an outsider to many relationships, I have been witness to that image of perfection or better yet, real happiness.  I can nostalgically look back upon the good times and with fond memories in mind wish to go back.  I rationally know that breakups are for a reason, but until this week, I am not sure that I truly understood.  I thought I had made peace with my mom and step dad divorcing, but until I saw them in the same room together, I personally did not have closure.  I had that nostalgic memory of better times, and that innocent hope that time permitting wounds would heal and things could move forward.  Not necessarily in a way that would have the two of them back together, more in a way that they could attend social functions together comfortably.  Although this is not for me to decide, I saw something in the two of them that was just peaceful.  Knowledge that the other person was well, was in fact enough, and that things are as they should be.  And more importantly, having them in the same room together is just not something that should occur with any regular frequency.  They are not friends, they simply have memories together, that are personal.

And as for my own experience that allowed me to fully appreciate the same, I have my ex to thank.  I had that fearful adrenaline induced nervousness of running into him at a bar a while ago.  Once that band aid was ripped off in a booze filled setting, I was curious about what would happen if we were sober in the same room.  I often have heard of exes being friends in the future.  I cannot say for certain what I thought would happen over a very casual coffee setting, with some specific questions for a book I am writing.  But I did not anticipate the entire absence of emotion, neither positive nor negative.  We are simply two people that shared memories, and were each other’s first love.  Simple, not poetic, just reality.

I also learned that we are in fact exes for very precise and specific reasons.  And those reason are mine.  I made a choice to live my life with happiness, adventure, and with confidence in all my actions, clearly I do not like my judgement being questioned at every turn.  I could never do that with him in my life.  Our ultimate core values and how we view the world are just different.  And what’s more, that is absolutely ok.  I often imagined that we could be friends in the future, and laugh about our time together with fondness.  I can now fully appreciate that is just not the case.  It was full closure, just as it was for me seeing my parents hug each other, with kindness and respect for the memories.  But with knowledge that they were memories, and would remain that way, we just cannot ever go back.

Misconceptions About Long Distance

My standard advice to friends of mine who have to make the decision to embark on a long distance relationship is not to, whenever possible.  I cynically have never really believed that they could work.  Up until fairly recently that is. I am a big fan of the quote “my opinions change with new information” and in this case it is true.   I feared the lonely, and unhappy feeling of being away from my partner for such a long time, that I failed to consider any wonderful things that could result.  I was focussed on the physical aspect, the loss of intimacy, and the lack of a real connection with my partner.  I had anxiety the weeks leading up to his departure, and I cried, a lot, at the mere mention of him leaving.  I convinced myself that missing him would be one of the worst feelings, and that it would be likened to having a mini breakup. 

I am so happy that the reality is far from that expectation.  I was surprised to discover, that when you are apart from your lover, as soon as you get the chance to talk it is anything but superficial.  There is sincere effort made to truly communicate, to share your day, and to listen to the others words.  The communication goes from passive to active.  Because of the lack of physical contact, there is real effort in explanation and discussion as to what is going on in the others life.  If let’s say for example I am having a bad day, he cannot just hug me and hold me.  Instead he has to be a much more active player in helping me work through it.  On the other hand, if he has achieved a goal of his, I cannot just take him out for celebratory beers.  Instead I have to really think, and come up with creative ways to celebrate, for example, taking sexy pictures.

I had anxiety about feeling separation, and when I got my first message that his plane had landed those feelings just melted away.  I mentioned that I felt lazy in monogamy in a previous post, and that I have really worked on becoming more assertive and direct in what I want and need.  There is nothing like being in different countries to really put that work to the test.  It is amazing to discover that all the hard work, and the foundation building really was worthwhile.  That in fact we have a solid foundation and are able to help each other through loss, injury and more importantly celebrate each others accomplishments in a way that is meaningful to both of us.

I feared long distances separating us, and I feared that because I did not understand.  I did not appreciate that there is value in being apart, that you learn to crave the other person.  That you rekindle the desire and the void gets filled with this intense excitement for when you get to see each other again.  I fully understand now “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.  It is simple, in hindsight of course, that you can easily take advantage of something that is always there.  That stable force that is unchanging and constantly available loses its challenge, and appeal after time.  I guess the next step is to find an artificial way to achieve this feeling without having to be separated by a border for an extended period of time.  And I think I know just how to do it…

Why Do Men Cheat? Our Evolution Ignored

The media and our social networking sites do a fantastic and thorough job of demonizing men.  Daily there are sites aimed at finding out if your man cheated, and 7 signs that he is going to cheat and other such fear driven articles.  What you do not find is the sites geared at women cheating or for that matter, just a partner.  We are presented a polarizing view from our society geared towards our most intimate relationships.  I have been told that I write in a normative voice, whereby I present my thoughts from a female to male dynamic.  And although I appreciate why that seems to be the case, it is only because I present my thoughts from my own experiences, those of a heterosexual nature.  But my attempt is rarely to generalize based on gender, instead, my goal has been to present a few ideas and question or challenge them.  And here I find myself surrounded by media that states, men cheat, and women should fear this happening.

This seems ludicrous to me.  Are men only out there fornicating with other men when they leave there marital bliss for some strange on the side?  I mean in a few of my fantasies that is certainly what I am hoping for.  But truthfully, it is people who are out there cheating with each other, and not just men.  This is something inherent in our very human survival, the desire to procreate, to continue life sometimes by any means necessary.  This issue is, we like to think of ourselves so far removed from our baser instincts.  It seems harsh to make a statement that woman are generally more obese than men because a females survival instinct is to eat as many calories as possible to sustain a new life.  Just as no one likes to read about men just spreading their seed as far as possible, due to the same base instinct.  We like to imagine we are so far above these primary goals that have made our survival possible.

Forgetting how we came into being, to thriving, to surviving and regenerating at previously unimaginable rates is unsexy.  So to control this, we polarize.  We demonize men, forgetting where we came from, and why that drive to procreate is there.  Throughout history, large voluptuous woman were the ideal.  Strong virile men likewise were demanded, sought out, and glorified.  It is funny how we forget that, and decide to pick and choose what portions of history we want to learn from.  People were designed to have sex and to eat.  Religion, worked its thorough and well documented “magic” in assisting humanity in forgetting who and what we really are.  A species that should be proud we evolved and have accomplished so much, and stop living in fear of why we have come so far.  Instead, begin to understand, and appreciate the rational.  It is only with understanding and education that we can stop hating what we fear.

When Fantasies Go Wrong

Good communication is key in dealing with fantasies and those fantasies that have gone wrong.  As I mentioned in my last post, I just do not think being lazy is an option when you are in a successful open relationship.  And by that I mean, it takes constant communicating and checking in to ensure that every one is on the same page and as happy as they can be.  Open relationships have a certain complexity, in that there is more than just one other person’s feelings and emotions to consider.  And more often than not the potential for error is stronger. Effectively communicating your fantasies and working together to create them is a wonderful thing.  To achieve this you need to be able to talk and really listen, but communicating for that target result is the real key.

The part that makes openness wonderful is the extra spice.  When a person seeks out that spice in whatever form, guess what, burning is possible (cheesy I know!).  Let me share a hypothetical here in order to better illustrate what I mean.  Let us imagine that one person in the relationship has a fantasy to see the other in a sexy and compromising position with some one outside of the relationship.  A few terms and conditions are discussed and then the dear sweet person races out to fulfill the fantasy.  When the partners reconnect after the little tryst and share the experience it comes to light that an aspect was missed.  The potential for a super sexy recounting of the previous evenings adventures just does not have the desired result.  In short the fantasy has actually failed and now the strength of the couples ability to communicate effectively reaches paramount importance.

The initial desire or gut reaction if you will, is to become emotional, jealous even.  Open or not, I think we can all agree our partners have once or twice push our bounds and made us uncomfortable.  When I was monogamous, the threat was for the other to sleep on the proverbial  couch.  There was the silent treatment, anger, yelling, a wave of horrible emotions that are almost uncontrollable.  As I said before, I was lazy in monogamy.  I did not practice how to fight or disagree, and more importantly, I did not practice resolutions.  Why?  Quite simply the stakes are different.  If someone screws up in monogamy it is more black and white, there are two sides to every argument.  In an open relationship there is a whole rainbow of possibilities.

If the goal is to find spice, to add more excitement and possibly more people, then the conversation loses its two sided nature.  It evolves into a discussion, and it is a discussion that the two main partners may come back to many times over.  Emotions therefor get discussed in a calm and rational manor, and in turn must get heard by the other and understood on a level so much deeper than just the normal reactionary desire to find a peaceful solution.  When you bring fantasies to light, you become vulnerable to a host of both positive and potentially negative situations.  I always hope for the best possible outcome, but I do take the time to mentally prepare myself in case something should go wrong.  I also have learned to trust my instincts, and when I feel a little overwhelmed I will speak up.  I will ask to slow down, take baby steps, and rebuild up my confidence.  If your communication with your partner is not at that level where you can discuss problems and issues with love, and trust in a resolution being met, then the risks involved in following through with a fantasy may be too high.   And that would really be a shame.

Monogamous Fantasies Versus Those in an Open Relationship

When my ex and I were together we had discussed the fantasy of another woman to play with.  I do not enjoy woman per se, but the fantasy involved more of a two people having sex scenario while one watches.  Not just a threesome where we all play together.  But I never felt that we would survive a relationship strain like that.   We both were comfortable or at the very least accepted the fantasy nature of the proposal and I do not think either of us ever made an active move to make it a reality. Besides as I mentioned before, I could barely walk into a sex store,  let alone try and approach another woman to watch him have sex with.  Now being open, there is a whole new set of issues where at times I feel unsure of how to talk about my fantasies because there are so many more opportunities to make them reality.  And some things are just hotter in my mind and I would never actually want to see them played out.  Talking about sex so freely is still new to me.  And often I stumble or at least feel like I stumble or that I am likely to say something inappropriate in the heat of the moment. 

I just do not recall having those issue when I was monogamous.  I could say the dirtiest things I could think of and it was all play and pretend.  I know I feel like I hold back a lot more these days, which is ironic because I do so much more.  I really think things through before I open my mouth.  I feel like if I state something I want to do, then I am bound by it.  And if it doesn’t come to fruition, it is a promise that I failed to deliver rather than just a sexy fantasy left on the table.  Open to possibilities, but not looking to currently pursue.  It is a much more suitable lifestyle for my wants and needs, but there are still landmines to navigate through. 

For my own peace of mind, I recognize that I am walking uncharted territory.  I have to be certain that my verbiage is clear and concise to ensure that when I discuss a sexy dream or a hot video I watched that my motivation are truthful.  As such I want to be very clear and direct in my next statement, and that is, I personally, was lazy in monogamy.  I was so convinced that the possibility of cheating, or towing the line was so far from my reality that my communication became poor, this is not imply that cheating is always a result of laziness in a relationship.  But I lost all reason to try and keep the spice up.  I was not clear when I discussed fantasies, my likes or dislikes in the bedroom and even when discussing the bigger issues in the aforementioned relationship I felt like I was walking on eggshells.  That if I was direct and clear I would upset this whole delicate balancing act that had become my life.  I know that I was part of D and I breaking up.  During our breakup, I was clear, direct and all the skills that I rarely used when we were together came together.  I felt a surreal closeness to him, in that he finally understood me and where I was coming from.  The whole too little too late concept. 

Being in an open relationship, communication is something that has to be constantly worked on.  I may have reservations discussing my fantasies at times, and the big reason behind that is I feel like such a beginner in my direct tone of phrase.  I feel like my brain is using muscles that were reserved for work alone, not my personal life.  And even then, rarely used.  I convinced myself early on that if I was too forward I would receive a negative reaction, thus the little device known as sugar coating came into my life.  And quite simply, when discussing a fantasy, sugar coating just will not do.  It is as much a turn off for my partner, as it is for me to use it.  I like a challenge, and I love working my brain as much as other areas, so I wouldn’t have it any other way when I look at the big picture.  I disliked myself for being lazy in monogamy, I just do not think that is even an option when you are successfully open. 

The Old House and Long Lost Days Continued

The house of those years mentioned in my previous blog, of course was about a lot more than sex, flirting and relationships.  The chaos that results from a bunch of guys forming bonds that are to last a lifetime certainly leads to a number of stories, and I was just a lone girl thrown into the mix.  Two showers clogged after a night of mud wrestling.  Blue stains all over the floor after Jell-o wrestling.   Discovering some amazing artistic talents painted on the walls, and the opposite written in chalk in the downstairs urinal.  And the stories go on and on, but this is after all a relationship blog, so these stories will just have to wait for another time and place. 

Liquid courage allows you to act on the impulses that you many keep hidden.  This was a house that actually had a liquor storage room and a beer machine.  Plus a whole bunch of bedrooms and couches.  It was a recipe for exploration and experimentation.  Hours were spent watching the “free” porn that suddenly appeared on the downstairs TV.  Nothing is quite like sitting in a basement drinking beer surrounded by a bunch of guys watching 70’s bush on rollerskates.  It really taught me to be less afraid of nudity and porn.  Here were a bunch of guys watching it, laughing, hanging out and there was no stress.  It was not cheating, or idealizing woman, it was sex on TV, period.  It was actually on 24 hours a day for so long, you almost forgot it was even there.  It became a natural staple of the house, and the boys were pretty upset when one day it just went away.  So the house provided a very good thing, and that was to teach me porn was not evil.  But there were down sides to being surrounded by all these guys too.

I always knew that I wanted outside attention, but the stigma that I would be called a cheating slut, or a tease kept me in line.  But it did not make me happy.  The Bro code was a major factor in keeping those closest to me from making a move.  And when you are young and trying to accept how you look it was a challenge.  I had always heard that girls were objectified, and sexualized, but that just was never the case for me.  It puzzled me that in the eyes of the guys who knew me best I was not somebody they wanted to sleep with.  Instead I played a role where I could speak my mind, have opinions and challenge the best of them, but never be a sexual person.  I felt on some level that once guys got to know me, they would no longer want to sleep with me.  That I was more of a guys guy versus an attractive female.  When I went out into the real world, not surrounded by these men who regarded me as something other than I was, I felt confused.  It was a shock to my system each and every time a guy would hold my glance.  Or stare at me as a walked away, woman too for that matter. 

I often wonder, if I was freer to flirt, or if the guys around me could have flirted with me, how things would have turned out.  Clearly much differently, and I probably would not have such amazing friends from that time in my life.  That house has held many secrets, and very few of them are mine. The amount of Eskimo brothers (another League Reference) that have resulted from those days is quite impressive, and I wonder if the guys even know who they all are.   I watched this all go down around me, and perhaps I thought that I was above it all or not worthy of that kind of attention.  That I would never make those mistakes, and that living vicariously through my peers was enough.  But it turns out, I was naive.  I played the good girl, the innocent one, the spectator who watched almost everything.  And yet here I am realizing that it was all an act, and I could have had so much more fun than I did.  I do not say that with regret, more the knowledge that perhaps I needed the stability of monogamy to help me get through all the challenges and hurdles that life was throwing at me in those days.

I feel a little alone at times without the safety of that house, and I miss all that happened there, the good and the bad.  That group of guys that I saw on an almost daily basis and now I run into by chance alone.  The lessons learned both in the house and when I joined the real world.  I feel like I lost a little of who I was when that house closed it doors.  Now all I can do is look back on lessons learnt, but face the future with the knowledge of the past while running towards my new adventures.