Monday, 5 December 2011

Questioning Everything, And Finding a New Relationship Equation

I have written a few blogs lately, that give a personal insight into who I am, and perhaps a bit of why I am living the lifestyle that I do.  I have also written a few blogs on my past relationships and lessons learned also giving rise to where I am in my life.  If you are still reading up until this point and I haven't scared you away, then it's time to start writing about some of the struggles and positives in my current relationship.  My rule has always been never ever bitch about your boyfriend to your friends or family.  I have said a few negative comments here and there, but when things were going anywhere but south, then my conversations were geared in the positive.  Or I just didn't discuss anything at all.  Living by the mantra, "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all".  And I hope this still holds true today.  If things aren't overall making me happy I discuss them with my boyfriend first, try to come to a resolution or a halfway point and move on-wards and upwards.

I am not going to use this forum to discuss any material not discussed with the parties involved first.  I might come to different conclusions or change my mind, but overall this is a place to share my experiences and perhaps help someone out there.  This is not a place I want to use to vent my frustrations as a diary, but rather an honest look into my relationship in hopes of opening communications to other couples or single people who are introspectively looking into what they need to be happy.  For me being honest is easy if I am asked a specific question, and day by day it gets easier to look inside and answer the why I am who I am.  Like I wrote about in my previous blog, my happiness increases as I am able to look at the flaws that hold me back and work towards improving myself. Of course with the understanding that I am improving myself for me and not for anyone else.

In my previous relationship I was completely monogamous.  If I was told that I was being cheated on that would have been the end of everything.  I had only known monogamy as a working rule of a partnership and that was the expectation.  Humans are astounding in their abilities to adapt to situations, and I am no exception to this rule.  So although the cut and dry monogamy was in place from start to finish, there was a lot of sway on what the definition of cheating was.  First there were no strippers, and any porn had to be viewed behind closed doors.  I was jealous and extremely insecure.  I had landed a man but really I had no idea how, why, or if I could ever do it again.  Then I found out that friends of ours broke up over a lap dance, and I thought that was borderline insanity.  So my hard and fast rule evolved to men need to do what they need to do as long as there is no touching.  I then had a friend tell me that her boyfriend never watched porn at her request.  Which I promptly replied must be a lie as all men watch porn.  But as I said that I realized I had no idea what type of porn my man watched, or even his own frequency.

Thus I went home and started asking some tough for me questions.  And again the evolution of our relationship grew to include a more open perception of porn. And with each of these little steps my insecurities actually lessened.  Which honestly surprised me very much.  I dearly value my ability to asses all sides of an argument and come to a fair concise conclusion.  Give me facts and I will generate and solution that is fair and equitable for as many parties as possible.  What I lacked in my previous relationship was the knowledge that I have now.  Like I wrote about before, those childhood games that we play that teach us how to read people I soaked up like a sponge.  My happiness is in part due to being a social creature and getting along with very different walks of life and finding ways to accept them for who they are.  Of course now with better parameters in place to ensure that I am not taken advantage of or treated poorly for my acceptance which leads me to where I am at now.

I don't feel as though I was ever given the information to properly make a decision about my sexuality.  There is only one man for every one woman, there is only monogamy as the key to your happiness.  Your job is to search and search until you find that one perfect match, and it is socially acceptable to admit you found the wrong spouse, divorce and go out there and try again.  This equation for happiness has never worked out for me because I have never believed in love at first sight, or that one true love.  To add to confusion I also don't agree with divorce.  Its a baffelling conundrum that I live with each day.  The only way to make a relationship reach an equilibrium without having that basis for a one true love is to adapt, mold and bend your viewpoints to better align with the mate you are with.  Make the best out of what you have because it will be the same shit different pile anywhere you go.  And if you make the decision to have a family you are in it for the long haul and you need to make it work.  However this is the model that I want to live by and my beliefs for me alone.  I do not judge anyone who lives by different beliefs, we are all individuals and that makes humans an incredible species.  Honesty is the key to a relationship and when that is broken then all the rules are broken.  As I stated before, in my previous relationship inside monogamy, cheating was a boundary, the agreed upon terminable offence.  Any agreed upon term must be respected, and adhered to in a loving and healthy relationship 

I have gone out and questioned relationships, why they did or didn't work. I have been told that I seek tough men, and a hard lifestyle,  and to consider that my life could be much more pleasant with just a simple loving man at my side.  I have been told to not seek challenge in my relationships but to just seek a partner.  I came to the conclusion that if those were my two options for men types in this world then I was really in a terrible position.  I have thus taken my happiness into my own hands, and not left it up to my partner.  I now seek what make me happy on a day to day.  I am constantly asking the question why does or doesn't it work for myself and others.  By doing this I am creating my own relationship equation that will afford me the happiness that I desire.

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