Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Trials and Lots of Errors

When I first met my boyfriend he told me that he wanted two girlfriends, that he had had three at one time in the past and that he didn't want monogamy.  My first reaction was great, I don't want anything serious either.  I was also incredibly pleased that this guy knew what he wanted, and wasn't afraid to put it right out there.  He said I could be on board or get out now, entirely my choice.  I wondered how this man who eventually wanted children thought this was going to work, but of course it was very early on.  My own experience as I have written before was monogamy as the only key to ultimate happiness.  My impulse was life is short, lets see where this takes me, and I can always get out at any time if I'm not happy or comfortable.

We have been together for well over a year now, and looking back upon everything that I have encountered over this time its astounding.  There are situations that I have been in where in a monogamous relationship would have been the end of everything.  But here in this new relationship world I have tried to understand, talk and work through these challenges within my nature.  Which leads me directly into an even bigger question of whether or not this is my nature or if society tells me its my nature.  I am constantly questioning how far and hard I can push myself while still having a smile on face.

There are two phases that I have gone through so far with my partner.  The open relationship prior to being in love and the relationship after that point.  When you are with a person who is just amazingly fun to be around, charming, and a great person the reactions are on a spontaneous level.  Each event plays through just like little sketches where you are not quite sure what the end result will be.  There is excitement in determining if this will ever make a movie or just remain little short stories.  Plus you have the added benefit and possibly detriment of not having the full story, so you're not ever sure what the end game could possibly be.  There is an err of mystery surrounding each new experience and for me I was able to just react and know I could get out at any time.

One challenge I deal with is that I generally do not react positively to new situations.  I have a major wall up that goes back to my childhood and the challenges that I faced there.  Newness can be bad and scary, that wall goes up and boom things can spiral quickly downwards.  And thus I have reacted to new people with many negative outcomes.  As well I create rules and guidelines out of fear of my negative reactions which ease me into new circumstances.  This is frustrating to men, and I recognize that.

Generally men perceive a reaction women give and store that in their memory vault, if the reaction is good sometimes this is overlooked, but if the reaction was negative they find a way to not repeat that scenario.  Which is a tactic I wish more women had (I do not), the ability to not repeat the same mistake twice.  Rarely do you see an intelligent male repeat something more than once in the exact same way that yields any sort of negativity.  Yes they can overlook positive feedback easily, but not the negative.  It is stored somewhere in male land and I guarantee that if you asked your partner he would have a few things that he won't ever do again with you.

But I digress.  I am complicated in that I need to experience things more than once, and sometimes two or three times before I decide if I like it.  I am too quick to judge on the side of no, and so I need a bit of time to be swayed or shown the ups of yes.  I feel bad for the men I am with too sometimes, I am complicated and frustrating.  I make baby steps everyday in trying to conquer my battle with my impulsive no, however there is a deep rooted fear that things will go to far and I won't say no when I would be appropriate.  This leads to the open relationship in phase two, where there is now love and a commitment.  As well a much clearer understanding of the bigger picture.

"With great power there must also come great responsibility" (Stan Lee).  I know for a fact that I have a real opportunity to obtain everything in life that I want.  I have the choices and the knowledge in place that I will achieve my goals and live an incredibly fruitful life.  There are fears that I have regarding the unknown and life right now is a bit unstable while working towards my current dream.  But I will get there, and I will get there my way.  Enter in my boyfriend who also knows exactly what he wants in life, and is working towards his own goals, and experiencing his own frustrations within that.  Ultimately though driving himself towards a life that will make him fruitful and happy in his own right.  I see the potential of a great power couple here, driven and independent, with an understanding and working knowledge to be able to support each other during times of challenges.  And with a guarantee of a lot of fun and new circumstances to experience.

There are many trials, and I will make many errors along my journey.  I do not have a crystal ball so I cannot know if we will be each others partners in the long run, but I will not let a little fear keep me from experiencing the benefits and trials within the relationship that I have chosen.  I have jumped out of a plane, meeting new people and having my boyfriend meet new people is a cake walk in comparison.

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