Monday, 30 January 2012

The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Approach

I am at a personal crossroads here, to add to the complication there is another person and his views involved.  So my solution must be met by some sort of compromise as of course two of us are involved.  I do not enjoy secrets, and I know I have written about this elsewhere’s in greater detail.   Mixed with that this is my first long term open relationship and there are so many hurdles and experiences that will be waiting just around the corner.  Here is a bit of background on the situation which I hope will aid me in formulating and structuring the real issues here.  The boyfriend actively uses dating websites, which being in a open relationship makes perfect sense on the surface.  He loves the chase, the newness, and playing the game which is possible only with someone new.

I understand his desires, wants and needs thoroughly, and I want him to be happy.  My point of contention is in the execution in using the dating site.  On the one hand, I don’t want him to feel like he is sneaking around and talking to other women.  On the other hand, sometimes it is very hard not to react the way I feel programmed to react to what could be termed cheating in my past life.  I have a gut reaction and thus he interprets the gut reaction as I am not ready or able to view what he’s doing on the computer.  I read about so many open couples who go home and share with their primary partner their sexual experiences with the dates they go on.  They are open and supportive and for many even turned on by these exploits.  It intensifies the sex and strengthens the most important and meaningful primary relationship in their lives.  I know when I reach that point I will look back on this post and laugh at my impatience which has lead me to make impulsive decisions time and time again.

I liken it to meeting a guy and getting married within the first 3 months of meeting.  One just cannot have everything at once, and relationships are a gradual progression of the minds, bodies and souls.  That being said, currently I am in a don’t ask don’t tell situation where I am told if he sleeps with anyone else.  As well when it comes to the don’t ask don’t tell, I ask all the time.  I am intrinsically intrigued and curious about what he’s doing.  I want to be a part of that aspect of his life.  I know that I do not want him to only be able to share something that makes him so happy with his friends only and not with me.  But on the other hand, am I actually ready to hear about other women, keep my gut reactions at bay, and be the supportive open and loving woman that I strive to be? 

We have talked about this point, and I understand the evolution of relationships.  However I keep repeating in my head and out loud, that I want everything that I can have right now.  I want all the riches and satisfactions of where I am and where I want to be to be at my fingertips.  I rationally know that there is work involved, and emotional trials and errors.  Sadly my impulsive side may just have to be put aside as I work one day at a time striving to be the best person that I can. 

2 comments:

  1. Hi K
    Like your blog :-)

    The type white on black is hard to read so you might consider to change color?

    And good luck. I hope the best.

    Nik / Denmark / Europe

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hope the new format is easier to read. And thank you for the great feedback.

    ReplyDelete