Thursday, 2 February 2012

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: Redux

The clarity I find to any situation I have, comes through clearest in writing, like here.  Sometimes I can come to a solution on my own, but often just making a linear description of the real issue, brings me to the most suitable research or outside voice to ask for advice.  This week I caught up on the Savage Love Podcasts from the holidays and low and behold some words of wisdom from two real pros.  Within the thoughtful debate between Ira Glass and Dan Savage I found solace in both not being alone, and the conclusions that both men reached.

The real big sticking point that I was having issue about was the dating site issue.  I have always responded with the gut reaction of unpleasant things when I see his dating site usage.  These very smart men pointed out a poignant truth that I had overlooked.  The reason why the pick up scenarios for men and women tend to be unequal in the amount of time used in seeking a sexual partner boils down to the time required in effort.  Simply put, it is easier for a woman to get laid than it is for a man generally speaking.  So what this means in an open relationship is that I have to have a little more empathy for the time spent finding a suitable person.  After all, safety is a concern, and as easy as it would be to just pick up a random chick after a short period of time, that leaves the door wide open for the crazy people.  This is after all about happiness, and not just about the basic act.

Perhaps this comes across as crude or incomprehensible.  The thing the sticks with me is that I do not like being told what to do or say.  I resent when I am told who I can and cannot spend my time with, so how could I do the same to my partner with whom I love and care for?  There are days this will be a more of a strain than usual hence my previous post, but learning to love and understand each other is an intimacy I have not felt with any other human being before.

In the same thread though of don’t ask, don’t tell I think many would be surprised at one little tidbit I will share.  Have any of you been cheated on, or had the don’t ask don’t tell policy?  If so, did you know right away because of a negative reason?  I have heard so many stories where the sex or the relationship actually improved because of a sexual extramarital encounter.  Or even that there was no effect, no disruption and thus it was easier to forgive or turn a blind eye.  Many couples have given a permission slip but succeed years later because they had no idea about the indiscretion and maintained a healthy and wonderful sex life and relationship.

The don’t ask, don’t tell policy has its advantages.  I do want more than that in the future, and that is what I want to work towards.  In saying that though I recognize that I am not quite there yet and I cannot have everything at once.  Things are really great right now, and I am a huge proponent of happiness in the moment.  Don’t rock the boat if things are moving in a direction where all parties are happy.  

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