Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Honesty: The Impossible Key

Breakups are never easy, they in short suck.  But here is where I am stumped, why is the breakup moment the time where the truth comes out?  This nothing left to lose expression fits so nicely, aside from the one fact that you are actually breaking up.  This isn’t a last ditch effort to salvage the joy you once had, this is the honest moment when you find out why your partner is no longer happy.  Not surprisingly it took a phone call late last night from a very dear friend to bring this idea to light for me.  The moment in my relationship that was the most honest from his perspective was the moment we broke up.  That point in time where he figured he might as well let me know he had known for a while this wasn’t working and that he should have done this sooner.

I explored the idea of open relationships because of all that it had to offer for me.  I am still convinced that this is the best type of bond in which my needs get met, and I have the lock and key firmly in place.  I get complete and total honesty in the places that matter most to me, and that is about sex, and feelings for other people.   I am convinced that the opportunity exists for two people to be honest with themselves and with their partner in an open relationship.  I firmly believe that this can and does enhance my happiness specifically and negates the need for the word cheat to even enter into the equation.  That deadly sin is removed, and people can learn to grow and be much more honest and open in the things that matter most to them.

Unfortunately for me, my first experience in an open relationship still ended as a result of cheating.  The physical cheating, although was kept secret from me for months upon months, it really is the emotional breach of trust that is slowly eating away at me.  I learned a hard lesson with my ex of 8 plus years in that I am a fixer.  I hate regret so much that I will seek out and repair any and all issues that I come into contact with.  I thrive on looking back and knowing that I did everything that I could do.  This is really important to my character, I am the giver of chances.  This is why entering into an open relationship really appealed to me.  I could take the opportunity to focus on myself and not be consumed by the ever present nagging suspicious feelings.  In truth this is much easier said than done, and it easily took me a full year and writing of this blog to maximize this amazing opportunity.  But looking back, I would say that my success was overwhelming. 

I was cheated out of two things.  One was a partner who would drop even a date to be with me in times of grief.  And two, a partner who was willing to open up and work out his problems with me.  I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness, but as I have written before, the joy for me came out of having two people in charge of their own lives who could share in each other the joys and sorrows.  I am grieving the real loss of that opportunity, as he became depressed, rather than work at it and share his pain with me, he did the same action he has done in the past.  Shake everything up in his life and start afresh.  I so sorely miss the amazing journey that we could have taken together once the downs were dealt with. 

I take away from this relationship that truly made me happy, the knowledge that I have found something that fits me.  I also know the reason why this fits so well, and that is the basis of honesty.  I define openness as the ability to know that you are getting all of your needs met, while having a loving honest partner to share in the good and the bad times with.  I am on a journey now to find my quest for  complete honesty found and answered.  I loved almost every moment that I spent with the man who gave me this gift of knowledge.  I lament now that he didn`t take his own advice, and wish desperately that I could change his mind and show him the real pleasure in the door he opened for me.

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