Monday, 19 March 2012

Transitioning – Maintaining Your Resolve

A few people in my life are working through breakups, divorces and the various likes of not being in a committed relationship.  So the opportunity for relationship material is almost endless,.  Sadly thae temptation to break down lurks around every corner of the newly single life and I would like to share a few of them here.  There is just a step first that needs to be made, and that is deciding what course of action is best suited for your particular situation and sticking with it.

The very first time I was dumped I was devastated and heartbroken.  I had only ever been with one man and that was him.  It was clear to me at the time that the only way to survive the breakup, was to continue to see each other on a friends with benefits situation.  The goal was that this was to be temporary, until we were both strong enough to start seeing other people.  But we recognized that we both had physical needs, and we knew we were safe choices to continue a physical relationship.  The thing was though we were young and had no idea how to actually see other people, and one thing led to another and bang we were eventually engaged years later.  I am not saying this is a bad resolve, and may work very well for some couples, but for me, it was a fail.

Thus I have come to the conclusion that for myself, personally, the last two major breakups I have had my goal is complete ending of communication.  It is a very hard resolve to keep, however I know myself.  I also know how badly I want to fix problems and make things work out.  To keep temptation at bay, I have no choice but to keep my distance.  In conversation today, I started to tear up at the prospect of getting back together with my ex, or seeing him on a date with another woman.  There clearly exists that emotional tie to him, and further to that end a physical one.  I am not ashamed to admit that if I saw him, I would have an enormously difficult time keeping my hands off of him.  There is an intense physical lust that is almost intensifying as time goes by without him in my life.  But again, in past experience, friends with benefits does not mesh with me and exes.  On a side note, I have had quite a bit of fun turning friends into Friends with Benefits, but that is a story for another time and place.

The other thing I would like to express is my concern when it comes to communicating with an ex or a soon to be ex.  Sometimes it is just not possible to make the other person hear what you have to say.  If communication was amazing between the two of you, chances are you would not be breaking up.  Thus accept the fact that fighting is just not worth it.  How incredible the feeling would be, to say that thing that you have been trying for years to say and finally have them hear and understand you.  But that is the crux, it just won’t happen.  Stay firm, keep the peace whenever possible, and just hold to your guns that it is over.  I say this knowing that I did not want things to end this last go around, but I am mature enough to understand that changing a person or their opinions is futile  All I can do, is keep the door closed, until I can maintain my composure (both sexually and verbally) the next chance meeting.

There are rules and guidelines to making a relationship work, but there are also rules that apply to breaking up with dignity and grace, even if you have to fake it.  Set a goal, and try to achieve it, just as with anything in life.  Something as simple as one hour without tears, gradually increase that to a whole day without tears.  Do whatever it takes, but keep fighting out of it.  If your voice is ever going to be heard, it will not be through an emotional episode or outburst.  Let what is, be what it is.  I think it is important to repeat, that breaking up is a real sign of strength.  Choosing the resolve and path to achieve this should aid you in this.  Be in as much control of the emotional roller coaster as you can.

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