Sunday, 1 April 2012

007- James Bond

It was a long time ago, somewhere in 2001, October.  I was in a friend`s basement in mixed company after a long day at University.  I was playing video games with the boys, and I remarked that I was going to kick the ass of one boy in particular, D, the game was Golden Eye.  I used every trick in the book to win.  And win I did, for a little bit anyways.  It grew very apparent that something was happening between the two of us and it became less about the video game, and more about how to subtly make physical contact without any of our friends around noticing.  Silly 18 year olds, we had no idea how obvious this growing spark was to everyone in the room.  But here it was, playful, flirtations with our attentions changing between the competitive drive to beat the other and the curiosity of this live new person. 

This spark of course grew into my first real and true love.  What started out as mere childish flirtation turned into the major relationship that shaped myself throughout my early 20`s.  And now I write with a lump in my throat at the irony of James Bond being the beginning, can now be said also to be the end.  

Flash forward 10 years, to a girl sitting beside a boy she loves, E, in February of 2012.  Picture the two of them sitting in a dark living room a few hours after an ill timed argument.  Both trying to crack smiles and move forward but absolutely exhausted.  Picture the boy trying to find something, anything to change the mood.  Enter in, my old friend in a new system, James Bond.  There is no playful flirtation, instead there is only a boy who is trying to get his girlfriend to try and play.  And for some inexplicable reason she resists.  She knows the good times that could be had if she just picks up the controller, relaxes and playfully flirts again, or shows that competitive side that she desperately hides.   And yet she continues to resist, to give up, and accept, the fate that will inevitably befall this relationship.

Will this girl regain that piece of herself, that playful and competitive side that made one boy fall in love with her, and without sealed a conclusion on the next?  How did I allow fear to take a hold of me so strongly that I forgot to let go and just have fun?  I honestly failed at communicating the big things, and chose to live just day to day finding small joy in everything I did.  I worked so hard at not taking life so seriously and I wrote extensively to that end.  I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish through and through.  But in the end, living day to day is a self fulfilling prophecy, in that if you are not working towards a future, then your partner cannot see a future in you. 

Life is a very interesting game of strategy and chance.  You can strategize and plan for a relationship all you want, but in the end without communication and planning, it becomes chance that the two people who matter end up on the same page.  I can appreciate why many men out there (and women), do not enjoy games of chance, as ending up alone is a scary thought.  I thought that living my life for myself along side my man who was doing the same would keep up happy forever.  It turns out, I put my relationship on the line by leaving things to chance.  Oh 007, you may have much yet to teach me.

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