Monday, 13 August 2012

Intermediate Openness


The other day I really began to realize that information is becoming more available for people who wish to open up their relationships or to begin exploring a monogamish type of lifestyle.  There is also an abundance of websites that are available to support the couples and their partners in the “how to’s” of polyamory.  There are also a bunch of blogs that are popping up that share the stories of people who have been living this lifestyle for years, with guest posts by their various partners. As much benefit as these sources of information are, there seems to be one area that does not seem to have nearly as much focus, and that is the in between phase. 

As expected people are less willing to discuss when open relationships fail or hit trouble spots because the societal response is to say “I told you this wouldn’t work, monogamy is the only solution towards true happiness”.  I recently experienced the same thing with one of my dearest friends.  Although she did not come right out and say these words, she did mention to me that she just doesn’t understand this and recommended a solution of serial monogamy.  As genuine and thoughtful as her solution was to her, my response was instantly one of anger and my back went right up.  This is not a solution, just a different way of dating wrought with its own problems and disadvantages which can be found among everything. 

Thus is makes me sad that non monogamous people have a harder time being open at expressing when things go wrong in order to network better solutions.  I’m sure it felt the same way for couples in the 50s when divorce was almost unheard of.  There were so few people who were willing to openly discuss why things went wrong, and more importantly give support to the couples who were in intense and real pain.  To many outsiders the solution to avoid the pain and stigma of divorce was to stay married and tough it out.  Perhaps start a drinking hobby, or a mistress would be better long term solutions. Children grow up with much more stability in these circumstances than in two separate but loving homes. 

And thus I come back to my original point, when I have an issue that I need to work through, it is difficult to find support from anyone outside of a few faceless bloggers and podcasters.  My friends and family with as much love in their hearts do still hold the prerogative that I would have a much easier and happier life if I was monogamous.  But sadly this is just not the case for me, I must instead make up my own support network, and continue my path with the potential for so many more mistakes.  But in the end, I am at peace with the knowledge that I will have plodded through all the struggles for my own happiness.  

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