Thursday, 27 September 2012

It's My Party And I Will Cry If I Want To...


Every birthday I am reminded of the most important relationship that each of has, and that is the relationship with ourselves.  For almost longer than I care to admit I did not like myself.  Birthdays have always been that time of year where I could not seem to escape that realization, so I cried.  I have cried on my birthday every year of my life, well up until quite recently.  I remember my mom asking me year after year why I was crying and I always said that I did not know, to which she would just hug me and say that maybe I just needed a good cry and to join the party when I was ready.  When I first heard the song “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”, I was so excited to use that line with my mom on my next birthday.  And sure enough on my 9th birthday I exclaimed those very lyrics through tears.  I felt that it bothered my mom when I cried so I made great efforts to hide it.

I was very afraid of people wishing me happy birthday all throughout my childhood in fear that I would suddenly burst into tears.  Soon I began to plan all my parties on a day other than the 28th, and to any one significant in my life I would ask that we just stayed home on that day and have a nice home cooked meal or something very low key.  I know just writing this makes me sound a little crazy, I mean who in their right mind actually avoids people on their birthday because they are afraid of crying in public?  Well I sure did, and I had no clue that I was doing this up until the birthday that I did not shed a tear.  I remember waking up the day after in shock that I made it through that whole day without even a sniffle or painful eye burning sensation as the tears well up and you try not to blink a single one out.

It has only been a few years of tear free birthdays, but it is a real victory for me to be able to look back on the previous year and know that I am happy with myself, that I am happy with the decisions made in the previous year and that I can look in the mirror with a tear free smile.  I look forward to many more years of the same mentality and I wish the same to all my readers.  

No comments:

Post a Comment