Tuesday, 23 October 2012

My Thoughts On Joining A Couple in an Open Relationship: Responding to An Anonymous Query


 Question from my post on getting back to my mission statement : Would be interested to know your feelings or experiences with joining a couple in an open relationship.

First and foremost, I have never knowingly joined a couple who were in an open relationship.  That being said I have a growing list of what not to do in these situations as I am starting to be asked both my opinions and participation with a growing frequency.  As Dan Savage would say, these are good problems to have, and I agree for the most part.  For my own personal tastes I think triads would be very challenging, so challenging in fact that I think the cons actually would outweigh the pros.  Short term, or a night of fun and spice here and there aside, I am making an assumption that my anonymous commenter was talking about a more long term situation.  That is not to say though that triads do not work, as there are many out there that work incredibly well with lots of communication and love.   My preference would be to have two couples, as I think the most could be gained for all partied involved and with even numbers I think there would be less competition and more compromise.

With that being said, there are a few things that I think are very important to do when inviting an additional party to join you in an open relationship.  Without a doubt communication with your partner every step of the way is critical.  The most important bond is the one with your primary partner and that needs love, reassurance and support for all the emotions that may appear.  Once that’s in place recognition that this new person is a complete human being is very important.  This person is going to have emotions as well, and should never feel like an outsider (one of the main reasons I would prefer a couple as I think this would lessen the burden of sole support).

Introductions I think are also critical.  I have been fortunate in the fact that when I have explored multiple individuals there has been a very solid foundation of trust, so introducing partners has gone incredibly smooth.  Recently, I was put in an uncomfortable situation where I was asked to introduce myself to a potential partner through deception.  This is not something that I am comfortable with.  There is no appeal to me in partners getting hurt, angry or uncomfortable.  As well I do not find anything enjoyable about being a third wheel or knowing that I have made someone else feel that way. 

The main thing in response to your query is to find an open relationship where the couple is well versed in treating the additional members with love and support.  As well to make sure that you are clear about what you want and need to get out of the arrangement.  If it is just a night once a month of fun and excitement be clear, and if you need more than that you cannot just assume that the other people will know that.  When things go wrong, which they will, learn how to laugh about it and not ignore the issues, healthy and clear communication is very important.  I think it can be a wonderful experience, to be the star in someone’s fantasy, but there are always emotions that come up that may surprise you.  You need to be in the correct head space, and emotionally stable enough to experience these things to the fullest.  One side note, is that if you are looking for someone to play out a very specific fantasy I would recommend getting an escort or someone that you pay for the specific service, rather than putting a random individual through that emotional rollercoaster and drama.  Fantasies are great, but you have to be realistic about what a stranger is willing or capable to do, and for their feelings when all is said and done.

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