Thursday, 25 April 2013

If I Knew Then What I Know Now...


In my early adulthood I was in a monogamous relationship.  My boyfriend at the time was in a fraternity which had a house right across from where we all attended university, hence I was surrounded by a lot of men.  There were parties nearly every weekend there, and rarely was there an evening when you could not find someone who was willing to chill, or get obliterated with.  I have fond memories of those days, and many of the guys I have remained friends with to this day.  After reminiscing with a friend from those frat house days I really got to thinking about those long lost days.  The whole wish I could go back there, knowing what I know now, and do it all over again sentiment came up.  The thing about that is, I would be fearful of the trouble I would get into with my current knowledge, I don’t think I would be smarter, in fact I think I would have taken a lot more risks.

Let me set the scene a bit, I was surrounded by guys, pretty much daily.  I drank, swore, and partied with the best of them, and at times we got to see the worst of each other.  I was pretty much off limits though to anything more than the lightest of flirting.  I was part of the team, and had to have a few chats whereby I ensured that I was treated like one of the guys and not a chick available to bone.  Sex was completely off of the table, so I was comfortable just hanging out, making Jello shots, and drinking till dawn.  Sometimes I would have internal battles with myself whereby I wanted these guys to think I was sexy or good looking.  But every time that came up I would squash it, perhaps a part of me just did not trust myself.  Either way, I was sexually a very good girl considering all the opportunities that I could have pursued. 

But now looking back, knowing what I know now, I would not have been such a good girl.  I would have taken more risks, I would have flirted with opportunities and I most definitely would have done a whole heck of lot more sexual exploration.  Is that not what University is supposed to be about?  I am not sure if I would have had the mental maturity at the time to deal with everything that could have come up, so I am glad that things ended the way they did.  But I do envy some of the ladies who took advantage of the people and circumstances that this house provided.  Like I said, I was just not allowed to be sexualized there, and so unless someone was new in the house and did not know who I was, I rarely got flirted with or treated like a female.  It was an odd thing to come to terms with.  I guess if I really think about it, that could be why I stuck with D so long.  He was the only one to really pay me any sexual attention.  I was isolated from outside flirting.

I would never give up my potentially lifelong friends for what would have been an awkward one night stand, or inappropriate flirting.  However if I was able to go back in time, well there would have been temptation, and I would have absolutely learned how to flirt earlier.  I would have taken advantage of situations and made my mistakes with my peers all in the name of fun and adventure.   On the other hand perhaps there is truth in the rumors that no guy touched me because they believed I was underage when I first started hanging around.  And if that’s the case then I have misread all the years  that have passed since those party days.  But truthfully, I would have been a handful if I was who I am now with that house, so no regrets about what I know now.  

No comments:

Post a Comment