Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Monogamous Fantasies Versus Those in an Open Relationship


When my ex and I were together we had discussed the fantasy of another woman to play with.  I do not enjoy woman per se, but the fantasy involved more of a two people having sex scenario while one watches.  Not just a threesome where we all play together.  But I never felt that we would survive a relationship strain like that.   We both were comfortable or at the very least accepted the fantasy nature of the proposal and I do not think either of us ever made an active move to make it a reality. Besides as I mentioned before, I could barely walk into a sex store,  let alone try and approach another woman to watch him have sex with.  Now being open, there is a whole new set of issues where at times I feel unsure of how to talk about my fantasies because there are so many more opportunities to make them reality.  And some things are just hotter in my mind and I would never actually want to see them played out.  Talking about sex so freely is still new to me.  And often I stumble or at least feel like I stumble or that I am likely to say something inappropriate in the heat of the moment. 

I just do not recall having those issue when I was monogamous.  I could say the dirtiest things I could think of and it was all play and pretend.  I know I feel like I hold back a lot more these days, which is ironic because I do so much more.  I really think things through before I open my mouth.  I feel like if I state something I want to do, then I am bound by it.  And if it doesn’t come to fruition, it is a promise that I failed to deliver rather than just a sexy fantasy left on the table.  Open to possibilities, but not looking to currently pursue.  It is a much more suitable lifestyle for my wants and needs, but there are still landmines to navigate through. 

For my own peace of mind, I recognize that I am walking uncharted territory.  I have to be certain that my verbiage is clear and concise to ensure that when I discuss a sexy dream or a hot video I watched that my motivation are truthful.  As such I want to be very clear and direct in my next statement, and that is, I personally, was lazy in monogamy.  I was so convinced that the possibility of cheating, or towing the line was so far from my reality that my communication became poor, this is not imply that cheating is always a result of laziness in a relationship.  But I lost all reason to try and keep the spice up.  I was not clear when I discussed fantasies, my likes or dislikes in the bedroom and even when discussing the bigger issues in the aforementioned relationship I felt like I was walking on eggshells.  That if I was direct and clear I would upset this whole delicate balancing act that had become my life.  I know that I was part of D and I breaking up.  During our breakup, I was clear, direct and all the skills that I rarely used when we were together came together.  I felt a surreal closeness to him, in that he finally understood me and where I was coming from.  The whole too little too late concept. 

Being in an open relationship, communication is something that has to be constantly worked on.  I may have reservations discussing my fantasies at times, and the big reason behind that is I feel like such a beginner in my direct tone of phrase.  I feel like my brain is using muscles that were reserved for work alone, not my personal life.  And even then, rarely used.  I convinced myself early on that if I was too forward I would receive a negative reaction, thus the little device known as sugar coating came into my life.  And quite simply, when discussing a fantasy, sugar coating just will not do.  It is as much a turn off for my partner, as it is for me to use it.  I like a challenge, and I love working my brain as much as other areas, so I wouldn’t have it any other way when I look at the big picture.  I disliked myself for being lazy in monogamy, I just do not think that is even an option when you are successfully open. 

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