Tuesday, 28 May 2013

When Fantasies Go Wrong


Good communication is key in dealing with fantasies and those fantasies that have gone wrong.  As I mentioned in my last post, I just do not think being lazy is an option when you are in a successful open relationship.  And by that I mean, it takes constant communicating and checking in to ensure that every one is on the same page and as happy as they can be.  Open relationships have a certain complexity, in that there is more than just one other person’s feelings and emotions to consider.  And more often than not the potential for error is stronger. Effectively communicating your fantasies and working together to create them is a wonderful thing.  To achieve this you need to be able to talk and really listen, but communicating for that target result is the real key.

The part that makes openness wonderful is the extra spice.  When a person seeks out that spice in whatever form, guess what, burning is possible (cheesy I know!).  Let me share a hypothetical here in order to better illustrate what I mean.  Let us imagine that one person in the relationship has a fantasy to see the other in a sexy and compromising position with some one outside of the relationship.  A few terms and conditions are discussed and then the dear sweet person races out to fulfill the fantasy.  When the partners reconnect after the little tryst and share the experience it comes to light that an aspect was missed.  The potential for a super sexy recounting of the previous evenings adventures just does not have the desired result.  In short the fantasy has actually failed and now the strength of the couples ability to communicate effectively reaches paramount importance.

The initial desire or gut reaction if you will, is to become emotional, jealous even.  Open or not, I think we can all agree our partners have once or twice push our bounds and made us uncomfortable.  When I was monogamous, the threat was for the other to sleep on the proverbial  couch.  There was the silent treatment, anger, yelling, a wave of horrible emotions that are almost uncontrollable.  As I said before, I was lazy in monogamy.  I did not practice how to fight or disagree, and more importantly, I did not practice resolutions.  Why?  Quite simply the stakes are different.  If someone screws up in monogamy it is more black and white, there are two sides to every argument.  In an open relationship there is a whole rainbow of possibilities.

If the goal is to find spice, to add more excitement and possibly more people, then the conversation loses its two sided nature.  It evolves into a discussion, and it is a discussion that the two main partners may come back to many times over.  Emotions therefor get discussed in a calm and rational manor, and in turn must get heard by the other and understood on a level so much deeper than just the normal reactionary desire to find a peaceful solution.  When you bring fantasies to light, you become vulnerable to a host of both positive and potentially negative situations.  I always hope for the best possible outcome, but I do take the time to mentally prepare myself in case something should go wrong.  I also have learned to trust my instincts, and when I feel a little overwhelmed I will speak up.  I will ask to slow down, take baby steps, and rebuild up my confidence.  If your communication with your partner is not at that level where you can discuss problems and issues with love, and trust in a resolution being met, then the risks involved in following through with a fantasy may be too high.   And that would really be a shame.

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