Monday, 7 October 2013

Being in a Good Place to Date is Easy in Comparison…

To Being in a Good Place While in a Relationship.  It seems that everyone is looking for dating advice these days.  How do you talk to a person you are interested in?  Where do you go and meet new people?  How do you flirt? How do you get someone you like to like you back?  I have given flirting advice, and dating advice off and on in my blog career, A Good Dating State of Mind , Don’t Forget to Have Fun , and Flirting.  The main thing I want to focus on for this post is the basics, loving yourself first.

In order to be a in a relationship, you absolutely need to be in a good place yourself.  I give this advice in person and online, however I am not sure that it really sinks in.  So I will use myself as an example.  I am currently not in a great emotional state.  I am not feeling confident, or self sufficient right now as I am at a crossroads with where I am in my life and what direction I want my career to take me.  In a perfect world, I would love my writing to become fruitful, as we can conclude it has not happened yet.  So, my point with this, I am not a very great girlfriend right now.  I am having troubles keeping my focus on what needs to be accomplished in my life and not get swept up in all the daunting things around me that I cannot possibly do well if not given 100 %.  I have allowed myself to become a little introverted and insecure about my future.  The result is, I am not being a very loving and giving partner, so my dating life is struggling. To put another way, I am just not loving myself right now.

This is the same thing that marriages go through, committed monogamous relationships, and non monogamous situations.  If one partner is not happy, the other feels the stress and strain.  I am one stubborn girl, or as my mother calls me, fiercely independent.  The down side is when things are not going to plan I slowly slip away from any drive, and motivation.  I can see the strain this causes all around me, with my friendships, relationships, and with me feeling any inclination to affiliate with new people.  I am absolutely not in a position to date right now.  But what is a girl to do?  Take a break from all relationships, regain control of myself and then start again?  That would certainly be the easier road.  So obviously I am not going to try that.  Instead, I am going to try the very difficult path of finding my drive, while continuing to love and be loved.  To try and share when I feel hopeless and lost with my partner, and ask for the support I need.  Honestly just writing this has taken so much out of me.  I am not nearly as optimistic as I would like.  I feel uncertain, and burdened by all the hurdles I see around me.  Having an amazing and loving person in my life helps but I feel a guilt having him share the down times as I am not certain how long they will last.


So in my humble opinion, you have to be in a good frame of mind to date.  When you are in a relationship, it is a real commitment to find the time to help yourself, while at the same time loving someone else.  Finding yourself, defining your goals, and setting focused tasks is not easy when in a relationship, at least it is not for me.  If I was single, my advice would be to take a step back, focus on myself and let any relationship come to me when I was more open.  It feels strange to take the same approach when involved with someone, almost too selfish if that makes any sense.  And yet, not doing this, not finding my drive would surely sour a strong and loving commitment.  I love someone amazing, and I will be damned if he does not get to love someone amazing back for my own accomplishments, even if this means showing him I feel a little lost right now.

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