Saturday, 15 August 2015

Insecurities in my Past, Rainbows in my Future

Although it is impossible to typecast all the people in my past that I have closed the door on, one commonality that stands out is insecurity.  Now, I am not sure how my friends and family perceived me when I was a teenager or in my early 20’s.  I cannot even really guess because the people that I thought were closest to me, turned out to be a little crazy.  Also, at that stage in the game, as with most people, I was still trying to figure out who I was.  So relying on the crazy family members around me, to shape who I wanted to be as a person left me with a few interesting scars.  I am no longer mad at them, and I don’t break down into tears anymore at the damage that they caused my developing emotional self.  Instead, I try and give them as little thought as possible.  I have accepted what I perceived they did to me, and, well, that’s all I can do. 

What is really interesting to me now though, is that strange feeling that maybe, as result of my family, I was surrounding myself with insecure people because that is who I understood.  I identified with their misgivings about their selves, and bodies, and all other elements that go into achieving real insecurities and I found a way to channel that negative energy into myself.  To be clear, I created a feedback loop, where I would provide positive enforcement for these people, including my immediate family which would pick me up and give them temporary relief.  So in my mind, I was providing a need for them, and they provided positive thanks from me, and thus I was momentarily happy. This enabled me to tolerate my family for much longer than I should have.   

The downside of course is that I would crash hard.  When bad things would happen in my life, there was no one strong or stable enough to be able to support me.  At the time, my then boyfriend was just as insecure as the rest of them.  He was a self defeatist, and thus I just could not handle bad things happening to me because there was no one to help me break the cycle or support me in recognizing what was actually going on.  It is amazing that I did not turn to drugs for an escape here and there.  Haha!

But why am I sharing this with you all?  Why am I bringing up something that is super negative after I have mentioned that I recognize this and try to not give it any thought at all?  Because in light of figuring this out, and believing that I had conquered the demon of my past, one my closest childhood friends and family member turned out to be right in this category. But the great thing?  I figured it out all on my own and put a stop to it.  I changed my feedback loop the instant I saw what was going on. 

And I was not left with any sort of hole as I was a few years back when I started closing doors to my immediate family. And I realize how incredible lucky I am right now.  My partner, my dearest friends, and all those that I am courting for new friends and maybe more are secure.  They are confident amazing individuals.  I do not feel that I am missing out by not being needed as a crutch for all the family that used me for so long.  Instead, I have filled any sort of lingering void with freaking awesome people.  The rainbow at the end of the storm is finally showing its bright colours.  



Look around in your own life.  Do you have that person who is constantly unable to support you?  The person that ignores you whenever you have a problem, and then gives you shit when you don’t reply instantly to their drama?  It embarrasses me to admit that 5 years ago, that is all my phone was filled with.  Those type of nuisance type messages and phone calls.  I called them family, and I felt indebted to them.  And now, they are all out of my life.  And I feel free.

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