Saturday, 30 January 2016

Cutting Out Toxic People: A Stupid Downside

A few years ago, I stopped having a relationship with my mom.  I have written a post about it, and although I am still unsure as to whether it is necessary to post it public or not, just writing gave me a lot of clarity on the issue.  Also, a big bonus, was that I no longer dream about her, ahhh the power of writing.  Just to summarize, in case I do not post it, she was abusive, and unwilling to continue counselling with me or work to move forward from her previous treatment of me.  So I made the decision to no longer keep the toxic person in my life, a decision that I made to ensure that I am in control of my life.  More power to be who I am, free from that detrimental blame game.  Who I am is on me, and if you have been following my last few posts, you know where I am heading with this.

Unfortunately, I was unprepared for one little side effect of not having my mother in my life.  It turns out, that people who are close to me, are interpreting me gaining control of my life and cutting out abuse, as something to fear, for their own relationships with me.  Rather than analyzing whether or not they are treating me, in the same manor of respect that I treat them, there is an underlying fear that I will just cut someone out for no reason.  Almost that a few now pussy foot around me.  I don’t know quite what to make of this.  Am I expected to bash  my mother and tell everyone the horrible things that are a part of my childhood and teenage years to gain sympathy for my choices?  Am I expected to have to justify my past decisions? Or to make promises to current relationships, that I will never close the door to them no matter what?  Is each relationship supposed to be equal in my life?  

I am at a complete and utter loss.  Making the decision to end things with my mother, was nearly a decade in the making.  We went through not talking, rules to be in the same room together, counselling, and every level of communication tactic we could think of.  In the end, I was exhausted and tired of crying.  I closed a door to gain my sanity and better control of my life.  It was a horrible experience, and one that I hope NEVER to have to repeat.  That being said, I will not tolerate abuse.  And I hope I have learned to never let a relationship get that bad again. 



But why on earth would a very dear family member, throw in my face that they are worried I will just shut them out too?  I now have to deal with something incredibly painful, with someone who really doesn’t have any fear or worry and just put me in this conundrum out of anger.  I don’t particularly want to have to justify myself to anyone but me.  I know what I have done and I have what I feel are valid reasons.  And honestly, I am happy, so who the fuck cares if I have someone in my life or not?  Being a parent does not give you the right to treat your children with abuse.  Being a child does not mean that you have to tolerate abuse just because they gave you life.  And damn anyone who wants to make me feel guilty for finally having peace, sanity and happiness.

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