Sunday, 7 February 2016

The Toxic, and the Closed Door

When I wrote, broken but more than a mere statistic, it helped me.  It allowed me to let go of any trace of discomfort I felt coming from a broken home and being non monogamous.  So my aim, is that by writing the following, I am able to find the same level of peace.  To finally let go of some of the dreams that haunt me when I wake up and to find a sense of release from the pain that I want to not be there.  I admitted that I came from a broken childhood, what I am going to admit now is quite a bit more recent and feels like enough time has passed that it is time to let it go.

I have not had any contact with my mom in nearly 3 years.  I chose to close the door on our relationship because quite frankly it was unhealthy and was hurting any chance of my sustaining loving relationships in the future.  I was physically hurt and mentally chastised by her since I was 17 years old, maybe longer, but admitting that would help nothing as I was a child.  I was taught that my physical appearance mattered more than who I was inside, or that education was less important than being a sensuous and manipulative partner.  I tried for years to be her voice of reason and prevent her from hurting herself or those around her.  I failed, and became a weaker person in the process.  I lost years of my life trapped in  conflict and unaware that I was caught in a web of hate and gossip.  I couldn’t break free for longer than a few weeks at a time.  I finally was able, with much support from my loved ones, to walk away.

Every  time we spoke for nearly 10 years, I had to walk on egg shells.  I could never tell if she was going to freak out, start crying, yell or hysterically laugh.  She was so unpredictable that I dreaded answering her calls, and even began having a beer in my hand prior to answering the phone.  I tried not answer her with anyone in the room because I was embarrassed that someone would overhear how we spoke to each other. 

I recall an instance when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.  My boyfriend at that time was too busy to take care of me so he pawned me off on my mom.  Things were OK day one.  She made me soup and hung out with me.  Day two, well, it was completely different.  Not only did I have my wisdom teeth out, but I had sprained my ankle 4 weeks earlier playing soccer.  So I was a bit of an invalid.  My mom and I did what had done a million times before, we played Mario Party, to pass the time.  Here we were, laughing and gaming, when all of a sudden the mood changed.  I teasingly said that if I stole her star I would win the game.  She jokingly said that wouldn’t be fair and I laughingly said, that it would be fun and we could play again after wards.  Well, I stole the star, and she went from happy to insane.  She started screaming that that was not how I was raised and that I was a horrible person.  I called my boyfriend in tears and he sped the 45 minute drive to pick me up.  I was screamed at for the entire time.  When he arrived, my mother actually called me a bitch and kicked me in the recently sprained ankle, laughed and slammed the door shut.   I was 22 years old at the time.  This story is not the worst, or the strangest but it is one that I have replayed over in my mind countless times not really knowing what to make of it.  It does show the lunacy that I dealt with, the immaturity and a brief moment of pain for me.

I had no idea how to handle the Jekyll and Hyde, personality changes of this woman, but I tried until my early 30's.  I tried so hard.  And the result was pain, and conflict within myself.  I realized that I would never want my children around such an unpredictable woman.  And if I didn’t want my kids around her, why in the world would I want myself around her? 

The reality is that I have closed that door, for all the right reasons.  And now it is time to let the memories go.  There is no reason to hold onto all that anger.  To set free the moments that linger in my memory, the hate, the pain, the wondering why I don’t deserve to have a mother love me for who I am.


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