As a follow up to a recent post about practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy, I feel it is only fair to mention that sometimes people are just assholes and don’t give a damn about ethics. I like to imagine my perfect world where these people are in the minority or don't exist at all. However the truth is that people do exist who are looking for open relationships or non monogamy for all the wrong reasons. If you are curious about opening up your relationship, and would like to start swinging or any other variety of monogamish, I truly hope that your positive experiences far outweigh the negative. This is a story however of a very misguided male seeking a relationship without the word ethics in his vocabulary.
One of my non-monogamy forums that I frequent had a male user ask for advice and help with assisting his wife to open up their marriage. This is a question I have been asked quite a few times over the years. And there are many books, forums and resources available to help introduce non-monogamy to someone who has never heard the term. Here however is this guys back story and why he is an asshole. They were together for 15 plus years, had a young child and he was miserable. The problem in his words, was that he was trapped so to speak, because he had to turn down sex from a young, hot female due to his monogamous marriage. So this guy did a bunch of research, and decided he was prepared to divorce his wife, and lose his child in order to sleep with other people. He was willing to lose everything he had, in order to have full control over his sex life. And he decided to call this his true nature, that he was either open or polyamorous at heart. Let that story sink in for a moment.
Now, here you are, looking for new partners in non-monogamy and you come across a profile for this guy. He presents himself as a good family man, married, and with full blessings from his wife to have a little fun on the side. What you don’t know is that he forced her to let him have some strange for fear of losing their family. She is at home, miserable, devastated and he is out chasing tail because it is his God given right as a man to have sex with whomever he chooses. He had a chance encounter with the notion of non monogamy and will do what it takes to prove the grass is greener on the other side. Spoiler alert, it is NOT! Non-monogamy is hard, and this guy does not have the communication or emotional aptitude to be successful, that is my earnest hope at any rate.
I’m sorry to say, this story is real. A woman out there is going through this. This man is on Tinder, and is actively seeking strange, as his family falls apart. And if you chatted with him, you would never know. My heart breaks for this woman, and I abhor this man. But what does that mean for the rest of us? Do we give up because there are bad apples out there who are abusing the system? No, we promote ethical Non-Monogamy.
We call out people like this. If we are on a date with this person, we ask them if their significant other is really OK with things. If they are not listed on each others profile, ask to meet them. Watch this person’s reaction, and be critical in your thinking. Protect yourself, physically and emotionally. Everyone is entitled to make a mistake here and there, but we have a duty to be respectful of our fellow man. To do no harm. This arrogant man has proclaimed that he was in physical turmoil being tied down to one woman, forever. But he made the commitment for a monogamous marriage and is now changing the rules. This man, is an asshole. This man is NOT the norm within the non-monogamous community, but you need to be prepared in case you meet him or chat with him. What he is doing is selfish and cruel, and we can either be afraid of experiencing this lifestyle on the off chance that we may run into him, or we can be aware and have a plan for when we do. Let’s work together to make this lifestyle a welcome place to be, ask questions and grow in your own sexuality. And finally, don’t be that asshole!